My story

You know, us teenagers aren't given much credit for how we feel about things. Yes, adults have lived longer, so that makes them more knowledgeable in a way. But just because I am 17 years old, doesn't mean I don't know what pain feels like. Or what really is going on in the world. I have an opinion about everything and I like to have my input on a lot of things. I will never be able to show society that I am an 80 year old woman trapped within a 17 year olds body. I read, knit, like to cosy up on the couch with a blanket and have morals that people these days take for granted. I pride myself on what I have learned in life and I enjoy learning as I go. I will literally sit on the couch and watch nature documentaries just so I can fill my head with more and more knowledge.

But as for feeling things. I have been overweight my entire life and I have always felt bad about it. Later on in my life I grew to be angry and lonely because being an only child doesn't give you the tools you need to be around other kids. I am fortunate enough that my parents are still together, but on the other hand, my first dog died when I was young, but old enough to really feel the pain. And just before that happened, my aunt died. After that I started to feel useless in the world, angry at the world and just down right negative. When I was in 10th grade, my grandpa died. I didn't know him very well and I hadn't seen him in 2 years prior to him dying. We all stood around his hospital bed as they pulled the plug. I literally watched the colour drain from his skin and saw his heart beat line even out. Why anyone let us watch that was horrible, and even though I wasn't close to him, I hadn't cried that hard since my dog died. The following year, my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she then had to move in with us. I am territorial about my things and my house, but I knew it was best that she lived with us. She had taken care of me when I was younger, helped me get to school, taught me to play badminton, took me bowling and really cared for me. She was practically a third parent to me. But the stresses of dealing with someone of that condition is hard. I wasn't mentally equipped to handle it, neither was my mom or dad. I spent most of the time she lived with us cooped up in my room or at therapy. I pushed everyone away at that point. I started to feel more and more alone, more and more depressed. I cried myself to sleep every night. She lived with us for a little under a year, and it took its toll on me and my family. My mom and her 2 brothers don't talk anymore because they weren't there to help with my grandma. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2012 and its nearly been a year. Half of me feels bad, but the other half still remembers how much pain has been caused. That half of me remembers the day I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.

For as long as I can remember, I'd always had a little part of me that was sad. After my aunt died, I grieved, but I felt numb. After my dog died, I felt so hopeless, empty and suicidal. After I went to high school knowing no one and moving schools and houses and so much change, I hated my life. After my grandpa died, I went back to feeling numb to all the things around me. After my grandma moved in, the pain worsened and the suicidal thoughts and feelings made me. To this day, I take medication to soothe the pain. I find it difficult, but I'm getting on the right track and to this day, I am always trying to find a way out. I know I can go under the cabinets to find chemicals. I know there are pills in my house and knives in the kitchen. But after 9 years, I am still here. I am not a recovery story yet. But I am here because I am the only thing my parents have left. God forbid if they were the ones to find me dead, I could never do that to them. My pain is great and my feelings are stronger than any tsunami this world has seen. But I needed to tell my story to someone. I am 17 years old and I will keep trying for my mom and dad. I am 17 years old and I have had enough pain to last me a lifetime. But we all know that this is just the beginning.