Just why..

I have never felt so upset and disrespected in my entire life. So with the depression I have, some days it's really hard to get out of bed. There is nothing left to your body, you lay there and sleep. So when that happens, which has unfortunately been quite a bit lately, I physically cannot go to work. I feel bad about calling in, but I try and give as much notice of my absence as possible. But today, I was feeling okay until I got to work and my mood went extremely down hill. I am in retail and I usually am on cash, so having to deal with people and feeling like crap at the same time is hard. I was planning to tell my manager today what is wrong with me and why I call in sick, but before I could, I was called into her office. She sat me down in front of a computer and said that the days marked in green were times I called in sick, that's when I said I needed to tell her something. I couldn't get it out before I started crying, but I managed to tell her my situation and how sorry I am and how much I really try to beat those days. It didn't seem to really phase her. She sounded sympathetic for a slight second and then said to me, "I need to run a business." I understand that it's hard on her and all my other managers to have to figure out what's going to happen when I can't be there and I know they depend on me. But how can someone like me, someone who hates what they see in the mirror, someone who has low self-esteem, confidence and worth and who practically cries herself to sleep every night be any more useful to people? I feel like no one will be able to depend on me in future jobs because I can't be there physically and mentally. How am I supposed to be there for my future family and kids when I get fired from jobs because there's a voice in my head who tells me that I can't and don't even bother trying because I am a worthless human being in this world? I am trying so hard! I'm taking my medication, I'm getting myself into a routine, I'm eating better, I'm exercising. I don't know what else this monster wants from me! It already has my sanity, isn't that enough?! The only reason why I haven't given it my life is because I am an only child and I couldn't do that to my parents. It would kill my mom because she's already lost her mom to Alzheimers and her father died a few years ago and her brothers because our family is broken. She has no one on her side anymore. So I couldn't do that to her, no matter how much the pain is. No matter how much it hurts. So I will keep fighting even though I don't believe I can do it, and I have already given up a long time ago. I'll keep trying for my mom and dad, because I know they really need me.

Being alone, but not truly alone.

Today I was supposed to go to work. I was scheduled for a 12pm to 7pm shift. I work in retail so it's not like its extremely strenuous work. But as I woke up this morning, I felt empty and hollow. That explains my previous blog. It was so bad I called into work and I called my mom to tell her she needed to come home. When I get in these moods, I want to be alone. But at the same time, I don't like to be alone truly. I'd be happy being cooped up in my room having no one bothering me, but I'd like to have someone downstairs just so I know that there is at least someone there. I haven't always wanted to be so isolated. I don't know when things changed really, but even my mom told me I became a bitter, negative, hateful person. I don't want to be this way. But I don't know how to be any other way.

My story

You know, us teenagers aren't given much credit for how we feel about things. Yes, adults have lived longer, so that makes them more knowledgeable in a way. But just because I am 17 years old, doesn't mean I don't know what pain feels like. Or what really is going on in the world. I have an opinion about everything and I like to have my input on a lot of things. I will never be able to show society that I am an 80 year old woman trapped within a 17 year olds body. I read, knit, like to cosy up on the couch with a blanket and have morals that people these days take for granted. I pride myself on what I have learned in life and I enjoy learning as I go. I will literally sit on the couch and watch nature documentaries just so I can fill my head with more and more knowledge.

But as for feeling things. I have been overweight my entire life and I have always felt bad about it. Later on in my life I grew to be angry and lonely because being an only child doesn't give you the tools you need to be around other kids. I am fortunate enough that my parents are still together, but on the other hand, my first dog died when I was young, but old enough to really feel the pain. And just before that happened, my aunt died. After that I started to feel useless in the world, angry at the world and just down right negative. When I was in 10th grade, my grandpa died. I didn't know him very well and I hadn't seen him in 2 years prior to him dying. We all stood around his hospital bed as they pulled the plug. I literally watched the colour drain from his skin and saw his heart beat line even out. Why anyone let us watch that was horrible, and even though I wasn't close to him, I hadn't cried that hard since my dog died. The following year, my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she then had to move in with us. I am territorial about my things and my house, but I knew it was best that she lived with us. She had taken care of me when I was younger, helped me get to school, taught me to play badminton, took me bowling and really cared for me. She was practically a third parent to me. But the stresses of dealing with someone of that condition is hard. I wasn't mentally equipped to handle it, neither was my mom or dad. I spent most of the time she lived with us cooped up in my room or at therapy. I pushed everyone away at that point. I started to feel more and more alone, more and more depressed. I cried myself to sleep every night. She lived with us for a little under a year, and it took its toll on me and my family. My mom and her 2 brothers don't talk anymore because they weren't there to help with my grandma. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2012 and its nearly been a year. Half of me feels bad, but the other half still remembers how much pain has been caused. That half of me remembers the day I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.

For as long as I can remember, I'd always had a little part of me that was sad. After my aunt died, I grieved, but I felt numb. After my dog died, I felt so hopeless, empty and suicidal. After I went to high school knowing no one and moving schools and houses and so much change, I hated my life. After my grandpa died, I went back to feeling numb to all the things around me. After my grandma moved in, the pain worsened and the suicidal thoughts and feelings made me. To this day, I take medication to soothe the pain. I find it difficult, but I'm getting on the right track and to this day, I am always trying to find a way out. I know I can go under the cabinets to find chemicals. I know there are pills in my house and knives in the kitchen. But after 9 years, I am still here. I am not a recovery story yet. But I am here because I am the only thing my parents have left. God forbid if they were the ones to find me dead, I could never do that to them. My pain is great and my feelings are stronger than any tsunami this world has seen. But I needed to tell my story to someone. I am 17 years old and I will keep trying for my mom and dad. I am 17 years old and I have had enough pain to last me a lifetime. But we all know that this is just the beginning.