Like I need more to worry about..

Just recently, my mom and I got to talking about family and kids and what I want when I'm older and what she wanted. It's still a hard topic for my mom because she wanted a large family, instead she ended up with me. What I didn't know is that my parents had to try for a year before my mom actually had to get inseminated by the doctor to get pregnant with me. When I heard that, I made it a way bigger deal than it needed to be. I was so shocked by that information, I really didn't know what to do with myself! I ended up saying things like, "I feel like I just found out I was adopted," and "I was artificially made?!?!?!" Thinking about it now, I feel so horrible for saying those things. I never meant any harm by my words, I really just didn't know how to react. If you've been reading my blog, then you'll know that I suffer from Severe Depression and that I've basically been suicidal for 8 years. Now I know why my mom was hurt so much and now I get that uncertain feeling in me as to why I felt as if I'd let my parents down. All my mom wanted was a large family and she couldn't get that. Instead she got a daughter who wants to kill herself..

Which, by the way, I had to talk to my store manager about just the other day. I told him about my depression and the days where I can't get out bed. All he said was "I need to run a business" and "you should really get that sorted out, you will never be able to hold down a job if you can't be there to work." THANKS A LOT PAL, I FEEL TEN TIMES MORE AWESOME ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE AND WHAT I HAVE TO COME! IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY BEEN GOING TO SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST AND AM TAKING MEDICATION! HOLD ON, LET ME GRAB A PEN AND PAPER AND MAKE NOTES ON HOW YOU THINK I NEED TO RUN MY LIFE!

People can be so ignorant. I told my mom about it when I got home from work that day and she ended up telling my dad which lead to him calling head office. Apparently the district manager is on vacation but will be back soon to talk to my dad more about this. Clearly my managers haven't dealt with someone like me before. I don't expect them to fully understand, but when a few of my friends came out to me saying they had depression, the words that came out of my mouth were, "I'm here for you when and if you need to talk" and "you're too good of a person to suffer from this" and "you will overcome this, you're so strong and I will always be here for you." Not some bull shit like how I need to get myself fixed and how I will never be able to hold  job. People in power, like my managers, need to have more training as to how to handle people like me because I am not the first and I certainly won't be the last. Wouldn't you just think it would be common sense to not put someone down who you know has depression? I think the biggest thing is the fact that I am 17 years old. I may be young, but I know what pain is. I have a chemical imbalance in my head that proves it everyday.

Just why..

I have never felt so upset and disrespected in my entire life. So with the depression I have, some days it's really hard to get out of bed. There is nothing left to your body, you lay there and sleep. So when that happens, which has unfortunately been quite a bit lately, I physically cannot go to work. I feel bad about calling in, but I try and give as much notice of my absence as possible. But today, I was feeling okay until I got to work and my mood went extremely down hill. I am in retail and I usually am on cash, so having to deal with people and feeling like crap at the same time is hard. I was planning to tell my manager today what is wrong with me and why I call in sick, but before I could, I was called into her office. She sat me down in front of a computer and said that the days marked in green were times I called in sick, that's when I said I needed to tell her something. I couldn't get it out before I started crying, but I managed to tell her my situation and how sorry I am and how much I really try to beat those days. It didn't seem to really phase her. She sounded sympathetic for a slight second and then said to me, "I need to run a business." I understand that it's hard on her and all my other managers to have to figure out what's going to happen when I can't be there and I know they depend on me. But how can someone like me, someone who hates what they see in the mirror, someone who has low self-esteem, confidence and worth and who practically cries herself to sleep every night be any more useful to people? I feel like no one will be able to depend on me in future jobs because I can't be there physically and mentally. How am I supposed to be there for my future family and kids when I get fired from jobs because there's a voice in my head who tells me that I can't and don't even bother trying because I am a worthless human being in this world? I am trying so hard! I'm taking my medication, I'm getting myself into a routine, I'm eating better, I'm exercising. I don't know what else this monster wants from me! It already has my sanity, isn't that enough?! The only reason why I haven't given it my life is because I am an only child and I couldn't do that to my parents. It would kill my mom because she's already lost her mom to Alzheimers and her father died a few years ago and her brothers because our family is broken. She has no one on her side anymore. So I couldn't do that to her, no matter how much the pain is. No matter how much it hurts. So I will keep fighting even though I don't believe I can do it, and I have already given up a long time ago. I'll keep trying for my mom and dad, because I know they really need me.

Being alone, but not truly alone.

Today I was supposed to go to work. I was scheduled for a 12pm to 7pm shift. I work in retail so it's not like its extremely strenuous work. But as I woke up this morning, I felt empty and hollow. That explains my previous blog. It was so bad I called into work and I called my mom to tell her she needed to come home. When I get in these moods, I want to be alone. But at the same time, I don't like to be alone truly. I'd be happy being cooped up in my room having no one bothering me, but I'd like to have someone downstairs just so I know that there is at least someone there. I haven't always wanted to be so isolated. I don't know when things changed really, but even my mom told me I became a bitter, negative, hateful person. I don't want to be this way. But I don't know how to be any other way.

My story

You know, us teenagers aren't given much credit for how we feel about things. Yes, adults have lived longer, so that makes them more knowledgeable in a way. But just because I am 17 years old, doesn't mean I don't know what pain feels like. Or what really is going on in the world. I have an opinion about everything and I like to have my input on a lot of things. I will never be able to show society that I am an 80 year old woman trapped within a 17 year olds body. I read, knit, like to cosy up on the couch with a blanket and have morals that people these days take for granted. I pride myself on what I have learned in life and I enjoy learning as I go. I will literally sit on the couch and watch nature documentaries just so I can fill my head with more and more knowledge.

But as for feeling things. I have been overweight my entire life and I have always felt bad about it. Later on in my life I grew to be angry and lonely because being an only child doesn't give you the tools you need to be around other kids. I am fortunate enough that my parents are still together, but on the other hand, my first dog died when I was young, but old enough to really feel the pain. And just before that happened, my aunt died. After that I started to feel useless in the world, angry at the world and just down right negative. When I was in 10th grade, my grandpa died. I didn't know him very well and I hadn't seen him in 2 years prior to him dying. We all stood around his hospital bed as they pulled the plug. I literally watched the colour drain from his skin and saw his heart beat line even out. Why anyone let us watch that was horrible, and even though I wasn't close to him, I hadn't cried that hard since my dog died. The following year, my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she then had to move in with us. I am territorial about my things and my house, but I knew it was best that she lived with us. She had taken care of me when I was younger, helped me get to school, taught me to play badminton, took me bowling and really cared for me. She was practically a third parent to me. But the stresses of dealing with someone of that condition is hard. I wasn't mentally equipped to handle it, neither was my mom or dad. I spent most of the time she lived with us cooped up in my room or at therapy. I pushed everyone away at that point. I started to feel more and more alone, more and more depressed. I cried myself to sleep every night. She lived with us for a little under a year, and it took its toll on me and my family. My mom and her 2 brothers don't talk anymore because they weren't there to help with my grandma. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2012 and its nearly been a year. Half of me feels bad, but the other half still remembers how much pain has been caused. That half of me remembers the day I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.

For as long as I can remember, I'd always had a little part of me that was sad. After my aunt died, I grieved, but I felt numb. After my dog died, I felt so hopeless, empty and suicidal. After I went to high school knowing no one and moving schools and houses and so much change, I hated my life. After my grandpa died, I went back to feeling numb to all the things around me. After my grandma moved in, the pain worsened and the suicidal thoughts and feelings made me. To this day, I take medication to soothe the pain. I find it difficult, but I'm getting on the right track and to this day, I am always trying to find a way out. I know I can go under the cabinets to find chemicals. I know there are pills in my house and knives in the kitchen. But after 9 years, I am still here. I am not a recovery story yet. But I am here because I am the only thing my parents have left. God forbid if they were the ones to find me dead, I could never do that to them. My pain is great and my feelings are stronger than any tsunami this world has seen. But I needed to tell my story to someone. I am 17 years old and I will keep trying for my mom and dad. I am 17 years old and I have had enough pain to last me a lifetime. But we all know that this is just the beginning.