Just recently, my mom and I got to talking about family and kids and what I want when I'm older and what she wanted. It's still a hard topic for my mom because she wanted a large family, instead she ended up with me. What I didn't know is that my parents had to try for a year before my mom actually had to get inseminated by the doctor to get pregnant with me. When I heard that, I made it a way bigger deal than it needed to be. I was so shocked by that information, I really didn't know what to do with myself! I ended up saying things like, "I feel like I just found out I was adopted," and "I was artificially made?!?!?!" Thinking about it now, I feel so horrible for saying those things. I never meant any harm by my words, I really just didn't know how to react. If you've been reading my blog, then you'll know that I suffer from Severe Depression and that I've basically been suicidal for 8 years. Now I know why my mom was hurt so much and now I get that uncertain feeling in me as to why I felt as if I'd let my parents down. All my mom wanted was a large family and she couldn't get that. Instead she got a daughter who wants to kill herself..
Which, by the way, I had to talk to my store manager about just the other day. I told him about my depression and the days where I can't get out bed. All he said was "I need to run a business" and "you should really get that sorted out, you will never be able to hold down a job if you can't be there to work." THANKS A LOT PAL, I FEEL TEN TIMES MORE AWESOME ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE AND WHAT I HAVE TO COME! IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY BEEN GOING TO SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST AND AM TAKING MEDICATION! HOLD ON, LET ME GRAB A PEN AND PAPER AND MAKE NOTES ON HOW YOU THINK I NEED TO RUN MY LIFE!
People can be so ignorant. I told my mom about it when I got home from work that day and she ended up telling my dad which lead to him calling head office. Apparently the district manager is on vacation but will be back soon to talk to my dad more about this. Clearly my managers haven't dealt with someone like me before. I don't expect them to fully understand, but when a few of my friends came out to me saying they had depression, the words that came out of my mouth were, "I'm here for you when and if you need to talk" and "you're too good of a person to suffer from this" and "you will overcome this, you're so strong and I will always be here for you." Not some bull shit like how I need to get myself fixed and how I will never be able to hold job. People in power, like my managers, need to have more training as to how to handle people like me because I am not the first and I certainly won't be the last. Wouldn't you just think it would be common sense to not put someone down who you know has depression? I think the biggest thing is the fact that I am 17 years old. I may be young, but I know what pain is. I have a chemical imbalance in my head that proves it everyday.
